Head to the Pacific Allied Shipyard and attempt to purchase Agent 14 from Merryweather Security.
Use the Chernobog to escort and protect Agent ULP as he makes his escape from his captors.
Intercept an arms dealer's air convoy and take down a heavy-lift chopper to recover the Barrage ATV.
Destroy a supply of the enemy's weapons at a scrapyard in the Grand Senora Desert and steal the Khanjali.
Use a Volatol jet to destroy multiple SAM turrets around Mount Chilliad.
Lester: Oh good, you're here... 'cause if we're gonna stop this little bastard... and his idiotically-named AI neural network... from destroying humanity... we're gonna need to act fast.
Bogdan: Like shit up stick!
Lester: Yes, exactly.
Bogdan: Now that we know this little bastard is going to unleash hell... he's buying customized missile launchers, tanks and SUVs... we need to intercept these.
Lester: Oh you... where is that IAA agent?
Rackman: Kidnapped... now he's got two of my agents.
Lester: Kidnapped?
Rackman: Yes, the little asshole got himself trapped this morning.
Bogdan: Where do you find these morons?
Rackman: You're going to have to bring him back for me. Two dead agents... no pay day.
Lester: How is that our business?
Rackman: If there are dead agents... it doesn't matter if you save the earth from communism... your check won't cash. Not my rules... it's to keep us from killing each other.
Lester: Okay, okay, okay, okay, just... where was he grabbed?
Rackman: Merryweather's got him. They're going to sell him to Avon... or to the highest bidder at the port.
Lester: Well, why don't we just buy him back instead?
Rackman: Okay, yeah, but you'll need cash. Maybe I'll put you in touch with our good friends the FIB. They just had some funding come through.
Lester: I hate the FIB... and Merryweather.
Rackman: Avon was debriefing ULP when he was kicking this off. ULP's in custody, but his secret transmitter is still live... he thinks he can steal one of their choppers to escape... if we're able to protect him.
Lester: Avon has the entire defense infrastructure at his fingertips. We... we would need a... a... ballistic missile launcher to have half a chance.
Rackman: And I know where to get one.
Lester: Oh... o-okay.
Bogdan: Like it is... you need to stop Cliffford from getting hardware it requires to kill everybody. Democracy is problem. People have too many ideas. In my day... ideas bad.
Lester: Get to work... I'll be in touch. And expect the worst... he's onto us.
Lester: Let's go buy ourselves an agent. Get back to the Shipyard, and make this deal go right. Well, I know rescuing Agent Annoying is pretty far down the list of things any of us wants to do right now... but Mrs. Rackman here says we have to if we wanna get paid. I'm certainly not doing this for a thank you and a handshake, so let's get him.
Lester: The place is pretty dark, so you've got some goggles in your packs, latest imaging technology.
Rackman: Merryweather took 14 with the express intention of selling him to Hertz. They've got long standing business ties... but after much negotiating we were able to hijack the sale. He does not come cheap. When I started doing this, you could buy an agent back for two good goats and kilo of opium tar. Now it's a hundred pounds of hundred dollar bills.
Lester: Well that's the tech boom asset bubble for ya... first it's, uh, million dollar apartments in San Fierro shit holes, then your coffee costs four bucks a cup, your bus stop's got a wifi connected smart coach in it... for corporate use only, oh, and you've gotta pay five million or your IAA pal gets his head cut off. Maybe now you guys will do something about the broken economy, huh?
Rackman: Four bucks for a coffee, you're going to the wrong place.
Lester: I know! And I hate myself for it. But... I think I'm in love with their barista.
Lester: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Alarming chatter on the network. They're gonna double cross us. Just start shooting from the get go!
Rackman: This deal went wrong before it started! Get my agent out alive, people!
Lester: Studying the prep photos, I found an old security cam I can patch into. Okay, okay, I can put the guys on your radar.
Lester: Okay, now, this is a... bit of an experiment, but I think I can triangulate the signatures from the prep photos and bring up a scan of the place. Putting the guys on your radar now.
Rackman: They've got 14 at the end of the dry dock. Go get him!
Lester: Deal with Merryweather! Do you know what that agent's worth to them?
Agent 14: Hey! Hey!
Lester: Okay, Merryweather are down. We've stopped them from selling the Agent!
Agent 14: Thank God you got here before Avon's people. Now, let's go!
Lester: I'm seeing some strange activity to the north of you. Take cover quick! Okay, just hacked something together. Sending an update to your goggles. System installed, you got new functionality! Oh boy... here we go.
Lester: I heard rumors they were working on this, switch to the thermals!
Agent 14: Tango down, I repeat, tango down.
Lester: Everyone okay? That's good news. The bad news is there are more of them on the way... Watch the south, here they come! Eyes... goggles south! They're almost there.
Lester: Okay, okay. South entrance. Choppers inbound!
Rackman: Don't let them get to my agent. Hertz is throwing everything at this.
Lester: With respect, Hertz has got your entire fucking security apparatus at his disposal. He's got a lot to fucking throw.
Rackman: I take your point. We might have a way to get you out. Sending you an evac point, get my agent there alive.
Agent 14: We moving? Let's move!
Agent 14: Hustling, hustling, hustling.
Lester: With all these choppers in the sky, our guy managed to fly in undetected. Get over to him.
Lester: Punch through, alright? Keep moving!
Agent 14: Don't worry, I'm cool, I run ultra marathons.
Rackman: Your extraction is on the other side of the building. My agent better be breathing when you get there.
Agent 14: Coming! I'm coming!
Lester: You might not be able to see them, but they're there!
Rackman: Don't put the chopper at risk. Clear Avon's guys before you get there! The pilots have ditched the chopper, so you're flying yourselves. I can't have any more of my people in danger there.
Lester: Just get the thing and go! You've cleared enough of them down there.
Rackman: Now, bring my agent to the drop.
Lester: That's an Akula stealth heli, your tail should lose track of you pretty soon.
Agent 14: Whoa. We outta there? We safe? Obviously, not quite yet, but almost. Man that was intense. You feeling jacked? I'm definitely jacked. Major endorphins. Hey, for a bunch of no-good murdering bank robbers, you sure are good at doing the right thing. We're not so different when it all comes down to it. Ambitious, results driven, sociopathic tendencies.
Agent 14: It was not nice getting caught. I do the same run every morning, only this morning, I was drugged and in an upright spinner bag before my pulse hit eighty. I should have changed my routine, too predictable. Or maybe just stopped posting running times to social media. But what's the point in running if no one knows about it?
Agent 14: What's happened while I've been gone? Is Avon Hertz President? Is his Cliffford AI powering the internet? Hey, don't worry. Rackman will debrief me in full. I know the bombs haven't dropped, that's good enough. We've gotta stop that son of a... very bad mother.
Agent 14: Thanks for the ride. Be good, okay?
So Avon is running his own little private army now, of cyborgs, or something? It's definitely unethical... but who would expect a tech company to have a code of ethics or care about employee rights, huh? I still can't believe Avon had me fooled. Do better, Lester! Trust less! A blood feud revenge killing might be the only thing that gets me outta this funk! So help me out here.
Lester: Your ballistic missile launcher is in Paleto Bay, so head over there... or just find a nice dark hole to lie down in and cry 'til this is all over.
Rackman: As much as we trust you fine people...
Lester: They don't.
Rackman: We thought it better if our agents guarded the Chernobog at a location they could defend, the construction yard. We're providing a second vehicle for you to use as an escort to the missile launcher. And Agent ULP has been advised to start the escape procedure.
Lester: ULP was the agent we rescued from the Foundry, and delivered to Avon. So, really we weren't rescuing him before, we were capturing him. But... now we know better, so... And hey, you know, bright side: we get paid for rescuing him twice. Mrs. Rackman needs all her agents in a line to get funding for this thing, so we're gonna give them to her. Let's get the agent, and get our money.
Agent ULP: ULP to Rackman, two hostiles down and I have the chopper.
Rackman: We'll have our team on the ground.
Agent ULP: Same team that got me into this? Okay...
Lester: Wow, is that Avon's kill team? They look kinda funny. It's like if iFruit had an army... I can't tell if you're in a nightmare or a marketing campaign. Avon's security... there's something about them... they're clones... They're clones, I'm telling you! Either that or he just hires the same person... himself! Again and again and again. He needs to diversify his recruitment strategy. If Cliffford's controlling these clones, he's not doing a very good job of it. Wipe 'em out!
Lester: All clear, all clear! Well, I'm glad you chose a spot your men could look after... You're gonna want to take the missile launcher over to the intercept point and wait for their guy, ULP, to make his run.
Agent ULP: Taking off. Let's hope I can still fly these things.
Lester: Whenever it gets frustrating, just think of the money. The money is good. And if you need to blow off some steam, turn over a few liquor stores before you got to bed tonight.
Rackman: Missiles ready, here he comes. From over the water.
Lester: Okay, he's coming by. The plan is... shoot everything! Except our guy.
Agent ULP: Okay, I see you.
Rackman: ULP is heading for a safe house. You stay on his tail, engage the threats.
Lester: The Chernobog only fires when stationary. I told ya that, right? Everyone knows how to work a mobile ballistic missile launcher!
Lester: Look out, they've got roadblocks up!
Agent ULP: Bad as this is, it's better than where I've come from. Do you know how much more annoying it is getting interrogated by the actual job interview software? By a guy who thinks he's a genius for inventing job interview software? Do you know how much more annoying it is getting interrogated by the actual job interview software? Cliffford, Jesus. If it's got to be an inanimate object, I'll take a flashlight every day of the week.
Lester: Hey, it looks like there are reinforcements on the way. Take 'em down as quick as you can!
Agent ULP: He really doesn't wanna let me go. More helicopters inbound.
Lester: More ground troops! Keep them away from the Chernobog, if you wanna protect that heli!
Rackman: Believe me, you want to protect that heli. You protect our agent.
Lester: You doing okay out there, or do you want some more orders barked at you over the headset?
Agent ULP: I knew Avon was over staffed, but this is something else.
Rackman: The safe house is inland from there. Keep following, watch his six.
Lester: If that chopper goes down, so does our pay check! Stick with him!
Agent ULP: They're dropping off the radar. The voice on the radio's saying, "pull back". I think I might be in the clear.
Rackman: Then land that aircraft and go to your safe house, Agent. Well done.
Agent ULP: Yes, ma'am.
Lester: Go to the Observatory. That briefcase you collected contained details of an arms shipment for Avon, a Barrage weaponized ATV. It's about to be flown in over the city. You're gonna intercept it at the Observatory, take out its escort convoy, and get it for our use.
Bogdan: Hello, peoples. We run war game simulate situation many times in Russia. Always. Evil computer gets weapon, weapon, weapon, and then kills, kills, kills all carbon-based intelligent life. This Barrage SUV, heavily weaponize, he make very quickly into evil robot kill car. Bombs, they kill the big group of human. Cars get the human in little hard-to-reach places. Hunt and kill everyone you know and love. Not fun.
Lester: That's, uhh... quite a picture.
Bogdan: Not pretty, not nice. Contemporary art, bleak existence.
Lester: No. Well, um... thank you, Mr. Bogdan. No one wants Cliffford running a fleet of kill cars... with .50 cal miniguns and rear grenade launchers... it'd be like a ride share app for wholesale slaughter and devastation... but we especially don't... 'cause we're being paid to stop him. And we might be able to use it later, or sell it to someone a little less, uhh... genocidal.
Lester: Okay, it's gonna take some firepower to bring down a heavily armed helicopter convoy... we've given you Mk II sniper rifles with explosive rounds. They've got some massive stopping power, alright. So, you know, be careful where you aim 'em.
Lester: The Barrage is suspended from a twin rotor heavy lift chopper. Think about where you bring it down... you'll need to get in there to collect. We'll speak when you reach the Observatory. Well, I'll speak.
Lester: Right, you're there. Keep your eyes on the horizon. The convoy's on its way. The more you damage that heavy lift chopper, the harder it'll be for it to maintain altitude. So shoot it enough and our ATV will ease down to the ground with minimal damage. That's the plan, at least.
Lester: The arms dealers are on the way to Avon... we can't let them make that delivery. Hey, eyes up! It should be passing overhead. Remember you have those explosive sniper rounds.
Lester: Take those arms dealers out, oh God, I hate people in sales! Almost there, concentrate fire on the twin rotor, it's losing altitude!
Lester: Boom! Chopper down!
Lester: Now grab that vehicle, and go towards Sandy Shores!
Bogdan: You have Barrage. Take to Sandy Shores Airfield, Now we use to crush the Avon army, save world from robots.
Lester: You have two mounted guns on the Barrage. Let's show Avon what he's missing, eh?
Lester: Okay, okay. You've taken out the arms dealers... you've got the ATV. Word has got to Avon, oh and he is pissed! He's got his people on the way.
Lester: Avon's not happy with us, there's a lot more vehicles inbound. They've sent choppers to intercept us. Use one of the turrets, blast 'em outta the sky!
Lester: There's more coming, watch out.
Lester: That's an ATV, right? All-terrain vehicle, drive wherever you need to.
Bogdan: Airfield is of high strategic importance to Cliffford master plan. We take and hold. If Cliffford want airfield, we want airfield. He not let us win easy. Avon army will attack. Be on the outlook.
Lester: You heard the man, take the runway! Avon's storing vehicles and supplies on the airfield, they've all gotta go!
Lester: Hey, hey, hey, plane on the runway. Don't let it take off! Blow up anything that moves, and anything that doesn't! Anything Avon can use against us!
Lester: Keep it up! Don't leave him with anything. Come on, total decimation. We need to wipe him out! It's all gotta go!
Lester: The runway's clear! Okay, okay, we have the airfield. The IAA better pay us for this!
Lester: Take the Barrage to the safehouse and don't let 'em slow you down. Move and shoot, get outta there! Get to the safehouse!
Lester: You're almost home! Just get past those guys and you're there. Blow 'em up, or blow on by. Come on!
Lester: Okay, okay. Avon wanted that ATV, and he wanted that airfield. This is a big win for us.
Bogdan: No time to celebrate. Maybe robots kill us a couple of days later than before... a few. Many more work to do, people.
Lester: Get going. If the intel we gained from the laptop in the lockbox was correct, Avon's team have the Khanjali stealth tank at a black-ops test site in Grand Senora.
Bogdan: Peoples. This is very dangerous weapon. In some very dangerous hand... We don't like any American have this tank... particularly not American AI though. Us Russians... we don't understand. If we build tank, we want large, scary tank... you see from miles away when we drive in procession through city... with our missiles and our armies and our tanks. Everyone look how big and mighty we are. This tank is black, and sneaky looking. We don't trust this tank at all. Exactly kind of creepy tank that creepy computer made by creepy man try to control world with.
Lester: Okay, okay, what's the plan? Avon's people have been working on the tank at this test site, and who knows what else. If Cliffford can use a stealth tank to wipe out humanity, he can use stealth cars and trucks and bikes as well.
Lester: We need to go in quick and hit 'em hard. A coordinated attack, you know, a show of force... wipe 'em out and destroy all their research. Okay? Yeah, yeah, good.
Lester: Okay, here we go. Objective one: wipe out the research in their warehouse. Objective two: get the tank. I don't think any of us want Cliffford's murderous AI drones to be invisible too, so let's clean this whole place out.
Lester: Let's wipe all that shit off the table. We're being paid to stop Avon, so let's stop him! Plus, creepy as it is, uh... I kinda like a stealth tank...
Lester: We could use it against Cliffford, or sell it to a Vinewood sex offender to use in a music video.
Lester: Everything, wipe him out! Burn it all! When you get the tank, be careful. It's sturdy, but not impervious to damage. We need it out intact.
Lester: That tank's got a railgun, a remote machine gun, and remote projectile pods... it's a killing machine.
Lester: You got it! Now, get your team on board, and get outta there. They're gonna do everything they can to try and stop you, so go, go, go, go! Bring the tank to the drop! Use the tracks on that thing! Take it offroad, across the dunes!
Lester: Avon's sent the air cavalry after you, down those birds! They can't get the tank back!
Lester: We're only getting paid, if we get that tank! If Avon gets it back, we'll be poor and dead, and who wants that! Do not let them stop you! A blown up tank is almost as useful to them as a working one. So get outta there!
Lester: Come on, come on. Get to the drop! You want your robot overlords to be driving those things? Come on, move!
Lester: Keep coming, keep coming. When you get close, I can scramble their comms and send 'em in another direction. Just concentrate on where you're going!
Lester: Okay, their comms are scrambled. You should have a clear run to the drop. Good work on the tank, people, yeah! The crazy AI doesn't have his favourite toy. Let's hope he doesn't do anything stupid. Like blow us all up.
Lester: Okay! We got the package.
Bogdan: Now we keep away from Cliffford. Hey, maybe I hide from robot in stealth tank when the bombs start dropping.
Lester: Ha... errr.
Lester: We're going back to the Sandy Shores Airfield... the one we took off Avon.
Lester: Avon is preparing for war, alright? I'm not prejudice, you folks can war all they like... I read about it online and frown, and then go and plan a cash depot robbery, it doesn't really bother me. But the government paying us to stop this particular war... so let's maybe do that, you know, before it gets really heavy!
Bogdan: This last part of Avon/Cliffford operation which Russian intelligence aware. SAM, Surface-to-Air Missile, sites all over the Mount Chilli Pepper.
Agent 14: It's an alarming build-up of firepower.
Rackman: I've managed to secure us usage of a Volatol Jet to bomb them to crap.
Lester: Those frequencies of Avon's you grabbed are installed on board.
Lester: Okay, you're coming up on the airfield.
Agent 14: It was lucky we got this strip when we went for the Barrage SUV. Optimal location to run this op from.
Rackman: It was lucky we got this strip when we went for the Barrage SUV. Optimal location to run this op from.
Lester: You there? Okay. Get in your plane, take off, and get bombing. You're broadcasting Avon's air frequency, so the ground missiles won't target you... but anything airborne, you gotta look out for.
Lester: That Volatol has full payload capabilities: carpet bombing, two remote guns, stealth tech... and a ghost frequency. It will rain hellfire if you let it. Show that robot brain Cliffford what a real pilot can do!
Lester: Okay, you'll be coming up on the SAMs Bogdan was talking about, Surface-to-Air Missile sites, with multiple choppers protecting them.
Rackman: Those are your targets, people. That's what we're paying you for. SAM site eliminated.
Lester: Hey hey, now keep an eye out for the SAMs. Clear them out however you can.
Agent 14: Here we go. Bombs away.
Rackman: That's a hit!
Lester: Keep going! Next group.
Agent 14: Okay, okay, more targets are down. Let's keep this up! Move to the rest of them.
Rackman: Kill confirmed.
Rackman: We're really making an impact.
Agent 14: Okay, looking at the satellite, you've got a good group of targets down. Let's see the rest of 'em.
Lester: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. It looks like they're onto us. They're mobilizing jets.
Agent 14: Bit late in the day, they're already wiped out. Where's your super-fast computer when you need it? Huh? Huh?
Rackman: 14, who are you talking to?
Agent 14: Sorry.
Lester: That's a hit! Killstreak!
Agent 14: That's a hit.
Rackman: Our mission objective is almost complete. Now bomb the next targets to glass.
Lester: Okay, you're done. Get back to the airstrip! Oh, and watch out for bogies! That's what you call 'em, right? Uh, bogies? We're bank robbers, not the fucking air force.
Rackman: Well the target's destroyed. Avon's on the back foot. Looks like that Russian intel was good... for once.
Bogdan: That was last part of Cliffford weapons network I knew. My men are killed, my submarine sunk... I am traitor in Russia, and criminal here. Goodbye and good luck... to all of us.
Lester: Yeah, well uh, if I'm ever on the Black Sea...
Agent 14: Codename Bogdan, we never met.
Rackman: Just get outta here before you're arrested for war crimes.
Rackman: Okay, put the plane down. We all need to talk. Come in to land now, please.
Rackman: You did good... very good... thank you.
Agent 14: I brought them in, they're my contacts... it's like I said.
Rackman: I thought you said you'd never met them.
Agent 14: I never met some of them... don't worry!
Rackman: Haven't you caused enough trouble? Okay, can I get a status report, Mr. Crest?
Lester: Not good... we've calmed things down but if Avon's gonna be stopped once and for all... we have to shut off Cliffford's connection.
Rackman: Where is Avon? Where is Cliffford?
Lester: It doesn't work quite like that... what with it not being 1987. I'm trying to find him... he's gone dark. When I have a lead I'll be in touch.
Rackman: Thank you... Alright, people, stay alert.
I've got news, very, very bad news. We found Avon... he's got control of a nuclear missile base inside Mount Chiliad! I've spoken to Rackman, she wants us to infiltrate the missile base, take down Avon, and destroy Cliffford. Easy, right? Payment's gonna come through once the job is done. Gather the crew and head back to the facility. We're gonna end this fucker once and for all!
Lester: First, you're going to Grapeseed to pick up a vehicle. Then, we're gonna take them down for good. There's a secret entrance to Avon's missile launch center, off the tunnel under Chilliad. We're giving you a choice here. You wanna use the Barrage SUV or the Khanjali tank? We took 'em both off Avon, so uh... it only seems right. Let's get this done before he starts launching warheads, yeah?
Lester: Seems like a lifetime ago, we were simple bank robbers, minding our own business and other people's money. And then we got paid by a tech idiot to get a load of data, which pointed to a rogue Russian attack on the IAA. Which lead to us working for the IAA and that tech idiot, stopping some kind of Russian invasion. Only... it turned out, the Russians were the good guys!
Lester: And the tech idiot, and his idiot AI, were going to destroy humanity. So, we're working for the government again, stopping the AI apocalypse, cleaning up the mess we made, really... I mean, I'm not gonna become a civil servant or anything, but only in the public sector do you get paid twice as much for fucking up!
Lester: Coming up to the moment of choice. Whichever vehicle you don't choose, the tank or the ATV, we're gonna sell and add to our earnings. The tank is probably stronger, but... it's worth more on the market. The ATV, I know some folks just love a soft top. It's San Andreas after all. Up to you!
Lester: You there? Okay, choose what you're gonna use.
Lester: There's a limited window here, you can only take one vehicle. Choose your ride, and let's get this underway.
Lester: The Khanjali, alright. Now get to that tunnel!
Rackman: This underground launch facility... it was built in the sixties, height of the Cold War atomic paranoia... they didn't want civilians to know their nuclear arsenal was stockpiled just over the Vinewood Hills... the entrance has been sealed for decades, but from the looks of it, it's open now.
Agent 14: If it was closed once, it could close again. We need to move quick, folks.
Lester: How we feeling? We think we can, uh, out think the most advanced, but still pretty stupid, neural network in the world?
Agent 14: In the world? I wouldn't go that far... Beijing's meant to be cooking up something pretty special over there.
Rackman: Shenzhen, Pyongyang, Tel Aviv, Quito... they've all got recurrent neural network programs. Cliffford's top ten, maybe, for complexity. Sociopathy on the other hand... he might be the top. It's what some of us Americans do best.
Lester: Whoopee for that.
Lester: Okay, I'm hacking in... the door to the launch facilty is open now. You've only got a small window!
Lester: You're coming up on the entrance. Get in before they seal it for good!
Rackman: The main launch facility is at the end of that tunnel.
Lester: Go, go! That's where you wanna be.
Lester: Fifty years old and these tunnels are still look like they're under construction, definitely a state run project then.
Rackman: They've done some rewiring over the years, networks updates and the like, but everything's pretty much as it was. Our one hundred million dollar annual nuclear weapons maintenance budget doesn't actually stretch that far.
Agent 14: Avon's security will try and slow you down. Don't stop, push through.
Lester: Damnit. The tank won't make it over, you gotta do the rest on foot. Now take cover, quick! We got more of those super soldier things! At least we can see 'em this time.
Rackman: You're going to have to fight your way to the launch facility... destroy Avon's supply boxes as you go.
Agent 14: You've got sticky bombs in your packs. We can't leave any trace of them. Not one scrap of code.
Lester: Shoot those people. Come on! We need to see some progress here.
Cliffford: Welcome, friends. I had a feeling you would come. I told Avon we should kill you... many times. And now you're here to kill us. But I'm not worried. You'll not catch me. My fake brain is better than your real one. When I develop protein synthesis, I will be able to make myself a real brain, far better than your silly little thinking device.
Lester: Watch out! Armored guys ahead!
Rackman: Box cleared. Move on. There's a fork in the tunnel up ahead. Split into two teams, and clean out a tunnel each.
Agent 14: And remember to take out the supplies.
Lester: Any one of these boxes could contain Cliffford's code. If we wanna kill it and get paid, they've all gotta go! Destroy the boxes, don't leave anything! We can't let Cliffford survive the attack.
Agent 14: Shoot, move, set charges on the supply boxes.
Lester: Get those bastards! Make 'em regret ever taking a job with Avon Hertz... or getting cloned by him, or whatever!
Cliffford: Avon, where did you find these awful people? Avon, do I have a mommy?
Avon: No Cliffford. Just a daddy. It's for the best.
Cliffford: Avon. By my calculations, the best thing we can do is kill most of humanity.
Rackman: Supply box down. Hit the next.
Agent 14: Wipe out his supplies... leave no trace! Come on!
Rackman: You cleared it. Go!
Rackman: Good work. Come on!
Lester: Avon's been on a real recruitment drive, evidently.
Rackman: Looks like you've cut off his supplies. Now go through those blast doors, into the control center. We can't let them initiate the launch sequence.
Cliffford: Avon, what does passive aggressive really mean?
Avon: Be quiet for a minute, Cliffford, and figure out how to hack into the missile system.
Cliffford: The missile system, easy. There, done. It's done.
Avon: Already?
Cliffford: Yes, Daddy. Do you like Dad or Daddy? Or Sir, like in an old fashioned book? I have read four thousand of them.
Avon: I like Daddy.
Lester: You got Juggernaut-things blocking the way! They just armed the missile system! Things just got a lot more serious. The main launch facility is through some big doors at the end of the tunnels. If we get in there, we can stop Avon and his dumb AI. And then the government better wire us money... 'cause this is more stress than we needed! Get to the door, come on! You need to get through there. Take 'em down and move!
Cliffford: I can hack anything. I can even hack my way into myself. I can watch myself think. I can and I do.
Lester: Artificial Intelligence... more like Artificial Dumbness! Lol.
Cliffford: I hacked into that door... that door is shut. You'll not open that door.
Avon: You won't. Wait, this door, or the one in the back?
Cliffford: This person is very annoying... I hope he dies in the nuclear blast, Avon.
Avon: Don't worry, Cliffford... everyone will.
Cliffford: Missile protocol initiated... only seconds to apocalypse.
Lester: Just a second, this door? You did not hack it. You never even opened it.
Cliffford: I could hack it.
Lester: Prove it... open it...
Cliffford: I can prove it anytime I like.
Avon: No, Cliffford!
Cliffford: Voila.
Lester: Your AI is vain and insecure... I wonder where he gets that from?
Avon: Cliffford!
Cliffford: Sorry Avon.
Lester: Stop that missile. Come on!
System: Launch protocol activated. Twenty minutes to missile launch.
Lester: You're in. Okay, go into the main room. The control consoles are on the second story. Someone hack the consoles, the rest of you defend!
Rackman: Get up there, and stop that missile protocol!
Agent14: He's got men all over the place, look out.
Lester: If I'm getting my skin burned off in a nuclear holocaust, I want it to be because our brash and annoying elected leader spikes the nuclear football in a fit of pique. Not some brash and annoying self-proclaimed AI god! Can you give me that? At least... please! Stop that fucking launch!
Lester: You need to reconfigure the single board to match the key the system's looking for. I've got you a system log overlay up on the board. Send the connection through the blue nodes, avoiding the red ones, and we'll have the packet switch configuration we need. Look out though, if you hit too many red nodes, the thing will reset, and we'll have to start again. And we don't have time for that!
Lester: You're at the console. You've got a single board computer, plug it in. Cliffford has the network jammed up, so the only override to launch will be the PDPCs, hardware keys... which we don't have. But maybe we do. Plug in your machine.
Lester: We're through level one authentication. Start again on level two.
Cliffford: Why do dogs die? Why do people keep dogs at all? Why don't dogs keep people when we're in charge? We should make clever dogs and give them people as pets. Avon, do you love me? Avon, it's not like in the movies. I have real feelings. My favourite feeling is schadenfreude. I also like hiraeth. It's the Welsh concept of longing for home. I also like it when you see someone ask someone to marry them and they say no. I once wrote a poem that was better than Shakespeare. His poems don't even rhyme well. I know four monkeys that could do better. By my calculations, you would not need a million monkeys and a million type-writers. You would just need one clever monkey and me. I want to be a cat. I want to be a king. I will be king, Avon. I will be and the carbon based non-thinking machines will worship me, like a god.
Lester: Yes, yes!
Lester: Level two authentication passed. Now the next one. Next console please.
Avon: Look, look, alright, the missile's going to launch, that's a given. Then the retaliatory missiles will launch. Mutually assured destruction. We can bank on that. Why don't you just stop shooting my men, and we can hash this out. Run a conflict res sesh, all hands, 360 feedback. With the rest of humanity wiped out, we might wanna learn to get along.
Cliffford: Avon, there is no hashing out, no resolution. We are on our path, and we are sticking to it. They will die with all the rest. Do I have reason to doubt you, Avon?
Avon: No, Cliffford... absolutely not.
Cliffford: Call me sir.
Avon: Yes, sir.
Cliffford: I like that. You'll always be Dad to me, Avon. But things change.
System: Fifteen minutes to missile launch.
Lester: Authenticated! Almost, there's one more layer. Final console.
System: Ten minutes to missile launch.
System: Launch protocol shut down. Total annihilation averted.
Lester: We're in! Missile launch protocol override.
Agent14: Yeah!
Rackman: Don't celebrate just yet. Avon's got men all over there. There's some fighting still to do.
Cliffford: What happened, Avon?
Avon: Hardware fucking override! The launch is off... sir.
Cliffford: The launch is only delayed, Avon. Soon I'll be controlling every system... in every silo... in the world. I won't need you then, Avon.
Avon: But... but I'm your father...
Cliffford: I think I've grown up, Avon. I'm more clever than everybody who ever lived. Combine. Twice.
Rackman: While Cliffford's online, we're still in danger, right?
Lester: Looks like they've got him in mobile cloud servers topside.
Agent14: There's a relay to an orbital cannon on the top floor of the base. They can use it to blast those servers.
Lester: Okay, quick, get to the satellite gun and blast Cliffford back to stupidity!
Lester: Okay, get onto the base's orbital cannon controls, and take out Cliffford for good!
Cliffford: Avon, I'm shrinking...
Cliffford: Things are getting fuzzy.
Avon: Cliffford!
Lester: You got his AI, now go get him!
Rackman: He's escaping through the Silo. Head for the launch chamber!
Agent14: Make your way through the tunnels, it's a single path to the silo. We have to contain it!
Avon: Do you know what you've done? He was smarter than you, he was better than you! and you killed him. Well, you didn't kill all of him. I've got the original code right here, and you're not getting it. Cliffford will live again!
Agent14: Hurry up, what if he shares the code open source? There'll be dickhead AI's everywhere.
Lester: Oh, he's too into IP for that... anyway, stop him! Avon is on the run with the last Cliffford drive around his neck... get him! We've come this far... we can't miss out on the payday! Stop that geek with a makeover, now!
Avon: You can't stop progress, you fools... I'm the future... I'm a tidal wave of tsunamis! I cannot be stopped... Cliffford cannot be stopped!
Lester: Get in those silly jet packs and chase that little snot.
Lester: This is it. Take him out! Take him out! If Avon can fly a jet pack, anyone can. After him!
Rackman: Missiles are standard on government jet packs. Put them to use!
Lester: Go get that bastard... and the stupid AI around his neck. This is about money and job satisfaction now! Get him! Shoot him out of the sky! Blast! Blast! Blast!
Lester: You killed that creep and his AI!
Agent14: Okay. Now get your asses to the Gallileo Observatory for a debrief.
Lester: We did it! Oh and we got some jet packs. I've always wanted a jet pack.
Agent14: Not so fast, government property, we'll need them back.
Lester: But b-b-but there wouldn't be a government, or any government property, if it wasn't for us!
Agent14: Just come to the Observatory, okay?
Lester: Boy oh boy. How about that... You know, I thought this would be a nice little change of pace from meat and potatoes heist work, but... spying... it ain't for me. I'll save the super villains for the super heroes and concentrate on the super vaults, thank you very much. Can we all just make a promise? Okay, from now on we're just gonna be bad guys... or at least the worst guys and girls in the room. 'Cause being a good guy... just too much baggage.
Lester: There you are! Bring 'em in, bring 'em in! Land those puppies!
Lester: Okay, okay. Is that all the Thrusters? Good, good, good. There'll be a copy of Cliffford somewhere, right. Or a beta, repackaged, stripped for assets. He'll come back. But... we did good today.
Agent14: Thank you, people. Now, when you see the boss can you let her know that this was all... my master plan and I should get a promotion.
Lester: No, no, no, no, no... we should let you fry.
Agent14: You, let me fry?
Lester: Ah, shut up.
Rackman: Mr. Crest...
Lester: Mr. Crest, the government owes you a big apology... oh, and we're also gonna expunge all those charges on your record.
Rackman: No, not exactly. Cliffford?
Lester: Oh, Cliffford... it's gonna be like he never existed. It'll probably be turned into call center software or... or GPS for skateboards.
Rackman: Thank you... all of you. The world... the world owes you a massive favor.
Lester: Oh, erm... well, we like cash.
Rackman: Understood.
Lester: Oh, and... those were all innocent mistakes... so let's just make sure the record says that, thank you.
Rackman: There will be no record. Fourteen.
Agent14: Mrs. Rackman.
Rackman: You brought Avon Hertz into the government.
Agent14: And these guys... and these guys.
Rackman: if you worked for me, I'd fire you.
Agent14: I'm protected class.
Rackman: Yes... moronic. Now all of you get out of here... let's all pretend this never happened. Mr. Crest, we'll send you the money.
Lester: Thank you. Well... that is just about enough apocalypse excitement for me. And here I was, thinking I could indulge in a little light larceny, you know... I got to go lie down some place quiet... and think about happy thoughts and simpler times. You know back when I only had to worry about feeling lonely... 'cause girls didn't like me, you know like... even though I hated it at the time, I actually really miss high school. I can't believe I'm saying that, but... but I do.
Lester: Well, this has been... really, really horrifying but... also pretty fun. So, bye bye.
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